see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
