if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
