Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You ate ashes out of my bong
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
