so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
