hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
