Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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