There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
