I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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