That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
