Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
