i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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