nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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