if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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