We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
