shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
