I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
