Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
