I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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