I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
