1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
two words...techno handjob
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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