Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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