that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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