It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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