And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
