Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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