i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
