did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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