I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
