i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
