I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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