GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
