u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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