i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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