Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
