I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
