"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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