I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Less talking, more tequila
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
