life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
