the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
