I wish I only lived at night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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