I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
