it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
