You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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