I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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