Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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