Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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