I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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