You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
