I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
