Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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