So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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