I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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