He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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