my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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