Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
