we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
